Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
